I found out I
was pregnant on July 2, 2015. Jeremy and I were on the fence about having a
third child after I suffered my second miscarriage so we were happy to have our
answer. Everything was normal and I counted down the weeks until my first
ultrasound at 8 weeks. The ultrasound was great. Baby’s heartbeat was good and
she measured right on track. My due date was March 8, 2016.
My second
ultrasound was scheduled for 19 weeks and that would be our big anatomy scan.
The weeks progressed normally. I felt like I was starting to show pretty early
on and I felt the normal pregnancy symptoms. I was anticipating the first
movement as I had felt Claire very early on but nothing yet with this one. We
were so excited to find out if it was a boy or girl. Jeremy and I both felt
like it was a boy.
At 19 weeks
we went in for our much anticipated sonogram. Everything seemed great. The
baby’s heartbeat was good, movement was great and we found out it was a girl!
Good thing we hadn’t placed bets on that one! The ultrasound tech seemed to
take longer than normal but we didn’t have any concerns at that point.
After the
ultrasound we waited in the patient room to see Dr. M. Jeremy and I just
talked about how excited we were to have another girl and how crazy it was that
we were going to have three kids. When Dr. M came in he had a pretty
serious look on his face. He explained something was very wrong with the
pregnancy and asked us to join him in his office.
He pulled up
the images of baby on his computer and showed us some concerning finds. She was
only measuring 14 weeks when I was 19 weeks. A 5 week lag. Pretty significant.
Since she was so small he couldn’t tell if her heart was forming right or if
there might be others problems that they couldn’t see just yet. My placenta
fluid was also very low and the placenta itself was measuring larger than
normal; not a good sign for a pregnancy that was supposed to be progressing. He
felt like we would lose this baby in a relatively short amount of time due to
some sort of chromosomal defect and suggested we see the perinatologist at the Hospital the next day for another ultrasound.
Jeremy and I
were in disbelief as we listened to him rattle of statistics and what ifs. I
don’t think either of us could process the information we were being told. It didn’t
make sense. Why wasn’t she growing? She was small but did that really mean
there was something wrong with her? She looked so normal on the ultrasound. There
were just so many questions and no answers.
The next day
we met Dr. T, the perinatologist, at the hospital. Another lengthy
ultrasound was performed and gave us the same findings including a few more
alarming ones. Baby was still 5 weeks behind, the cord appeared to be 2 vessels
instead of 3, my placenta was large and my fluid was low. Devastating news
really. He gave us a few options: terminate the pregnancy, have an amnio done
to see exactly what was going on or run some bloodwork and wait. We decided on
the last.
The following
day, yet again, I went back to Dr. M’s office and had some bloodwork
drawn. They were going to run 2 tests. The first was the Quad 4 screen and the
second was called Materni 21. The Quad screen tested for down syndrome, trisomy
18, smith-lemli-opitz syndrome and neural tube defects. The Materni blood draw
was for major chromosomal defects including the ones listed above. Although
there were some genetic abnormalities that wouldn’t show through these tests,
we figured it was a good enough inclusion to know which direction we were
headed in. They also drew blood to test for the viral infection CMV. We were
told the tests should be back within a week.
During the
week wait I decided to send out an email to our family and close friends
explaining what we were facing and asking for prayer. We had an overwhelming
amount of support right away. One of my friends suggested we attend an upcoming
Healing Mass at our church, St. Elizabeth Seton. I had never been to a healing
mass before but it sounded like something we should do.
The morning
of the healing mass I received a call from Dr. M. The results of my Quad
screen were in and they were not good. I flagged positive on all 4 chromosomal
defects. He wasn’t quite sure what this meant just yet and wanted to compare it
to the second blood test which hadn’t come back yet. 5 minutes later we were
out the door on the way to the Mass and I was completely broken inside. I
couldn’t understand how there could be so much wrong with our baby. How many
complications was she facing?
The healing
mass began like a normal service….singing, praying, praise reports of healing.
Through it all I just cried. I was so devastated and I finally had the peace to
just let it all go…to give it solely to God. I balled through communion and
anxiously waited to receive the healing blessing. Father Michael Barry was the Priest
and he was simply amazing. For the healing, each row of people would gather at
the front of the alter. Each person would have someone behind them placing
their hands on their shoulders praying while Father Barry did the blessing. As
we waited our turn, I watched anxiously. I could barely hear the prayers being
said by Father. He mentioned back pain, Parkinson’s, and a variety of other
ailments. I couldn’t help but wonder how he knew what to pray for. No one
mentioned what they were there for…what kind of healing they needed, so how did
Father know? As I waited in line I secretly wished he wasn’t going to pray for
my back or something that didn’t even relate to why we were there. I prayed to
God that Father Barry would know the prayers of healing I needed. I prayed to
let God know I needed this…I needed Father to know I was there for our baby to
know God was there for us.
As Jeremy and
I reached the front with about 15 other people we gathered in a row across the
front of the alter. We each had a woman behind us that placed their hands on
our shoulders while praying over us silently. There was an older woman next to
me and the Priest started with her. I was already crying but trying to hold it
together. I was still wondering if he’d even know I was pregnant as I was
barely showing. Would he take that risk and guess? What if I just looked
bloated or slightly overweight? So I prayed again that God would tell him why
we were there. As the Priest approached me he immediately placed his hands on
my womb and prayed for our unborn child. HE KNEW. It was amazing. He prayed
over me and this pregnancy for quite a while, while I sobbed uncontrollably. I
couldn’t believe how real things got. God was speaking to him to clearly. He
was being used by God and his gift was evident. He then prayed over Jeremy and
the other children we had at home. It was truly amazing and an experience I
will never forget. God was there, crying with us…embracing us and giving us
hope to know that no matter what, it would all be okay.
It was after
this mass that we decided to name her Hope.
The day after
the mass I received a call from a UCSD Genetics counselor. She called to tell
me that normally when a Quad blood screen flagged for all genetic abnormalities
it meant that there was a problem with the placenta. She couldn’t say for sure
that this was what was going on but there was a very strong likelihood. This
was at least a little encouraging and we felt like the baby might have more of
a fighting chance. After doing some research, I called her back later that day
asking if she thought it might be IUGR – intrauterine growth restriction. She
said most likely not.
During this
time I had begun a new habit of praying for baby after putting Claire down for
her naps in the afternoon. I would pray the Novena to St. Jude and pray to
Jesus as well. I prayed for healing for Hope, peace for Jeremy and I and
strength to get through each day.
A few days after
the healing mass, while I was praying, I felt very clearly that God was telling
me she had passed away. I called Jeremy in tears and told him to call the doctors
office so we could go in for a heartbeat check. He called for me and they told
us to come straight in. Dr. M was in surgery all day so we met his
partner, Dr. D. Dr. D had a hand-held ultrasound device that he was
able to check me with pretty quickly. He stared at the screen for a moment and
then turned it so I could see. There she was…moving about so beautifully. So
there we were, waiting again and trusting in God and emotionally drained.
The following
week I met with Dr. M again to sit down and discuss the progression of
the pregnancy. The results for my other blood test were finally in and they showed
no genetic abnormalities. Now we were really confused. The baby ‘seemed’ normal
but she wasn’t growing. Dr. M agreed with the counselor at UCSD in that
we were most likely dealing with a placental problem. Now the question was
whether or not my placenta would hang in there long enough for baby to grow big
enough for delivery. He reminded me that there was still a good chance that we
could lose her. 24 weeks would be the youngest they could possibly deliver and the
survival rate at that gestational age was pretty low. Not to mention all the
problems that could follow.
My next
ultrasound wasn’t for another 2 weeks. I went in for another growth scan. I
felt like this was it….I knew God was working and I believed this ultrasound
would be the turn-around point. Unfortunately, there wasn’t much growth within
those 2 weeks and nothing else really changed. Once again, they offered to
terminate the pregnancy in which I quickly declined. I still can’t imagine how
anyone could take the life of a precious soul. If she was going to pass away then
it was God’s decision, not mine. I left devastated once again and second
guessing everything. I felt like God was healing her but why didn’t I see it? Dr.
T recommended we wait 3 weeks until coming back for our next growth scan
to give her more time. I agreed and counted each day until our next
appointment.
Jeremy
accompanied me to our much anticipated ultrasound and growth scan 3 weeks later.
We knew we’d have some answers on this visit as to if the pregnancy was still
progressing or not. We just wanted to see some growth…something that would
reassure us. As we watched our little girl squirm on the monitor we began to
receive some good news from the ultrasound tech. The umbilical cord was
actually 3 vessels, not 2 like they had originally thought, my placenta fluid
was now normal and the baby grew 3 weeks within 3 weeks! The tech was so happy
for us explaining that they don’t get to give a lot of good news most days. Dr.
T came in when the scan was done and re-scanned me not believing the
results. He said it looked like a different pregnancy. He said that placentas
don’t go from bad (low fluid, large in size) to good. They always go from bad
to worse. He really didn’t know what to say but was happily surprised. So were
we and we left that appointment knowing she had been healed…in some capacity. I
had tears of joy knowing that she would be okay. She was a fighter.
Dr. T
recommended that I continue coming in for bi-weekly growth scans. They were
fairly confident that even though the pregnancy was progressing I wouldn’t make
it very far along. He was concerned that my placenta would give out at some
point so now we were waiting for the baby to grow to at least a pound to be
able to survive delivery. Delivery might be in the immediate future….around 24
weeks. My condition was labeled as IUGR or intrauterine growth restriction. It
essentially means baby is starving inside of me and there is nothing I could do
about it. She might have a better chance at surviving outside of me rather than
inside.
Mid December
the baby finally measured over a pound. This was a big milestone for us! We
knew she had a good chance to survive and the NICU would be able to care for
her. Dr. T debated admitting me to the hospital and administering the
steroid shot to help develop her lungs and brain for an early delivery but we
ultimately decided to wait and decide as the weeks went on. The steroid shot
can reek havoc on diabetes so it wasn’t something they were taking lightly.
Would the benefit to the baby outweigh the risk? We weren’t sure so the best
choice was to only administer the steroids if they knew she had to be
delivered.
Over the
months I saw all 6 doctors within the perinatology group. They all had slight
differences in option but all came to the assumption that my placenta had some
serious problems and this pregnancy was a ticking time bomb. At the end of
December they all agreed I should begin coming in twice per week for scans and
doplars. The doplars were to measure the blood flow within the cord, heart and
brain. This would give them signs if baby was in distress and if delivery would
be necessary. I also did non-stress tests twice a week to monitor baby’s
heartbeat and further give us clues for distress. My OB, Dr. M, was
always surprised how great and strong her heartbeat was from the beginning. She
always appeared way beyond her gestational age.
The weeks
continued to pass and we were all surprised as I kept going. 28 weeks, 30
weeks, 32 weeks…
I was nervous
and cautious as I always had the horrible scenarios in the back of my mind
constantly…the baby’s heart could stop at any time, my placenta could just give
out or worse she could be stillborn. Whenever the fears ran through me I tried
to stop and pray that God would give us peace and take away the worry.
All the
doctors were certain I shouldn’t go past 36 weeks so we scheduled a c-section
for February 4th at 35 weeks and 2 days. Dr. M gave me the
option of inducing and seeing how she’d handle labor but we ultimately decided
it was best to not incur any addition stress.
I had my
final ultrasound on February 1st. They approximated the baby would
weigh around 2 ½ pounds. Dr. M mentioned that the NICU was prepared and
waiting as my case had been briefed to them multiple times over the months.
Everyone was waiting and ready for her arrival.
We had to be
at the hospital at noon on the 4th for a 2pm c-section. I was so
nervous but I was able to sleep well that night and get some much needed rest.
Jeremy and I were both anxious as we didn’t know how the day would play out.
How much would she weigh? Would she have any major health problems? Would she
be ok??
The NICU
nurses were prepared and waiting as I was wheeled into the surgery room. I was
given a spinal and the c-section was completed in about 15 minutes. I remember
as she was delivered everyone said ‘she’s so small’. I couldn’t see her but I
could hear her crying and Jeremy told me she was ok. I could finally breathe a
small sigh of relief and I began to cry.
The nurses
immediately applied oxygen and took her into the NICU as no one knew what kind
of situation to expect. I didn’t even have a chance to hold her. I only saw her
profile as they wheeled her away and Jeremy followed. One minute she was inside
of me and now she was gone. Those first moments of bonding never happened and
that was the hardest part.
The next 12
hours were kind of a blur. I wasn’t able to go and see her until my nausea went
away and I was able to hold down food. I was finally wheeled into the NICU
around 2am, a solid 12 hours after she was born. As they handed her to me I
couldn’t believe how small she was; yet how perfect. There was nothing wrong
with her. She was beautiful and amazing and a perfect little baby. How could
they have ever suggested I terminate the pregnancy?
Hope Mae was
born February 4th, 2016, at 3 pounds, 4 ounces and 14.5 inches.
There is no doubt in my mind that she was healed and it happened at the Healing
Mass. I believe we had such a powerful experience as we went in to it
completely heartbroken and vulnerable. We had to rely on God and His
faithfulness.
There are so
many people that face situations like ours with very different outcomes. I’m
not sure why God chose to heal Hope and bring her out of this so perfectly. I
do know that it’s up to us to share her story and to share God’s faithfulness,
grace and mercy.
Hope stayed
in the NICU for 2 weeks and 1 day, coming home on the 19th of
February. Throughout her stay she always sailed through her milestones
amazingly well. She took a bottle from the beginning, never needing a feeding
tube. She occasionally breastfed and had a good amount of strength for being so
small. She remained on oxygen for 24 hours but only for precautionary purposes.
She passed all her tests with flying colors and after 2 weeks they had no
reason to keep her.
During her
stay I went to visit Dr. T in perinatology to give him an update and to
tell him how good she was doing. He looked at me both stumped and happy at the
same time. He said he’s been doing his job since the early 80’s and he’s never
seen something like our case. He said that placenta problems never get better;
they always go from bad to worse. We were all in agreement that something very
special happened with Hope.
I pray her
story inspires many. I am thankful for the medical attention and care we
received but I also know that in the end God is the ultimate physician. This
pregnancy was the most emotionally and spiritually exhausting experience yet it
was simply amazing. I felt God’s hand and I felt the prayer covering us daily. His
presence is real and His gifts of healing happen every day.
"A sign that will be associated with Believers;...they will lay hands on the sick, who will recover." Mark 16:17-18
Update: Hope is now 4 months old and doing wonderfully. If I can provide support through our experience please don't hesitate to email me at jodinicole@gmail.com
"A sign that will be associated with Believers;...they will lay hands on the sick, who will recover." Mark 16:17-18
Update: Hope is now 4 months old and doing wonderfully. If I can provide support through our experience please don't hesitate to email me at jodinicole@gmail.com
